Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
