I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Randomize
