Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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