my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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