I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
