My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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