I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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