Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
sarcasm needs its own font
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
