Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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