I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
