just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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