god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
