I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just blew my weed a kiss
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
