I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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