FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
