he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
