I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
