Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
