So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
