is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
