it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
