Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
