it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
