my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
