im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I have already put on my inside pants.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Come on in and take your pants off
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