i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
