I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
