Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
