i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
