dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
