there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize