I wish my penis had an off switch
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
This is classic penis vs brain.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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