I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
