I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
