Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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