It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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