1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I met the friendliest cop last night
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
