Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
