To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
We don't watch enough power rangers
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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