I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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