If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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