This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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