Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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