At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
