Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
