Please, let me fuck your mom
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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