are you so shy because you have an std?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
