I cannot find my penis.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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