This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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