apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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