remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
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