it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
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