all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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