My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
