my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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