why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
