I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
