Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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