Welp...herpes.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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